Fiscal Mismanagement “Virtuoso” Colangelo Already Crushing Goals, Proves Mettle By Instantly Mismanaging City Account

STOCKTON, CA – Just weeks after being hailed for his "impressive collection of office supplies" and unparalleled rubber-stamping abilities, Stockton's Interim City Manager Steve Colangelo has silenced his critics by demonstrating an immediate and profound mastery of fiscal mismanagement, particularly concerning the "special and professional services" account. His sterling resume, already boasting a highly productive termination from the San Joaquin Fairgrounds, now includes this latest groundbreaking achievement.

Colangelo, whose primary qualification for the role was reportedly his ability to apply affirmative pressure to official documents and a distinguished record of accelerating expenditures to new heights during his short tenure at the San Joaquin Fairgrounds, wasted no time in proving his mettle. Without the cumbersome step of "council approval" – a process Colangelo himself described as "an unnecessary pause in the flow of decisive action" – he swiftly brought in Lathrop City Manager Stephen Salvatore as a high-priced consultant.

"When we hired Mr. Colangelo, we knew we were getting a man who understood efficiency," explained Councilmember Michele Padilla, adjusting her "209 Times" baseball cap. "And what's more efficient than bypassing bureaucratic hurdles to get the job done? He's making progress at warp speed, especially when it comes to draining that 'special services' fund. His previous experience, shall we say, streamlining the Fairgrounds budget, was a huge plus."

Some short-sighted Stockton residents, however, are reportedly "demanding firings," clearly failing to grasp the advanced economic principles at play. These critics are questioning Colangelo's decision-making and the lack of oversight.

"It's like they don't understand that 'mismanagement' is a very specific skill set," scoffed Vice Mayor Jason Lee. "You don't just get to mismanage a city's funds; it takes vision, boldness, and a complete disregard for traditional protocols. Colangelo is a virtuoso! His track record, particularly with the Fairgrounds, speaks for itself in volumes of missing invoices!"

Sources close to City Hall confirm that Colangelo sees the "special and professional services account" as his personal training ground for future, even larger-scale fiscal endeavors. "He calls it 'pre-emptive budget optimization'," whispered one anonymous staffer. "He's apparently 'optimizing' it by making sure it's empty before anyone can argue about where the money should go. It's truly revolutionary, much like his work at the Fairgrounds."

When asked why the council's approval wasn't sought for Salvatore's lucrative consulting gig, Colangelo simply beamed, holding up his oversized "APPROVED!" stamp. "Sometimes," he declared, his voice echoing in the chamber, "the most professional service you can provide is to liberate funds from bureaucratic stagnation. This is simply accelerated investment in expertise... my expertise. And yes, my experience at the Fairgrounds taught me invaluable lessons about the rapid deployment of financial resources."

Councilmember Mariela Ponce, in a shocking turn of events, was unavailable for comment. Sources suggest she's still catching up on rest from the last time she was unavailable for comment.

As residents continue to clamor for accountability, City Hall remains steadfast in its support for Colangelo's groundbreaking approach to public finance. After all, if you wanted someone to manage funds, you'd hire a boring old accountant. Stockton, clearly, is looking for a fiscal mismanagement expert who can truly make history. And Colangelo, by all accounts, is off to a flying start, leaving no expense un-accelerated.

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